Monday, September 22, 2014

Even if your night is when the sun shines.

I'm done pretending. I'm done acting like my life is perfect, like I am totally okay 100% of the time. Because my life isn't perfect and I'm not always okay.
I have struggled for a very long time with a lot of self-loathing. Much of it is general, while there are also specifics. There are things, leadership positions, and people that I feel I will never be good enough for. Issues and insecurities I feel I will never be able to overcome. People I feel I will never be able to forgive.
I know now that this is not true. Of course, that doesn't mean that the bad thoughts, the sickly ideas of myself, the hatred towards myself and those who have hurt me, are all gone. They're not and there are days, I know, where I am going to have to tell myself from the moment I wake until the time I finally fall asleep that I am good enough.
That I can overcome.
That I can forgive.
It is so easy to allow lies to plant themselves in your life because the devil is a sly creature. He makes it so that all it takes is one allowance for yourself to think "nobody likes me". Because then every small mistake and every big hurt manages to anchor itself to that lie. It compounds and builds and expands until that lie becomes the reality that you are living life out of. But just like the original lie, the new reality is a false reality. Seems like an oxymoron - a false reality. The thing is, it's not false to the one living it.
There are days where every interaction, every thought, every word I speak feeds into the false reality that I will never be good enough. Those days are the toughest. They are the days where I feel the furthest from light, love, and the Lord. I tell myself, though, that the day will pass and it always does.
This, too, shall come to pass.
It shall come to pass. These struggles will pass. And even on the darkest days when it seems like they WON'T and they NEVER WILL BECAUSE I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AND I WILL NEVER GET PAST THIS, that promise is what gives me hope.
Goodness, too, gives me hope. Because even the bad days are steeped in good. It's such an interesting thing, to be filled with both joy and sorrow, but it is so amazing because it shows the two can co-exist. It is so easy to let go of the issues and the self-loathing for an hour, or two, or less and find myself surrounded by happiness. My happiness is my sisters, my family and my friends, an upbeat worship song, a funny joke, helping a stranger or a loved one, a random act of kindness, reading the Bible. My happiness is the Lord and the fact that He tells me I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And so long as the happiness exists - which it forever will - I know that I can overcome the lies that have been planted in my heart. 'Fix a Heart', the song by Demi Lovato that I've been listening to as I'm writing this, says that "you can bandage the damage, but you never really can fix a heart". I call a false reality right there, because hearts, souls, lives? They can be fixed, or changed. Even the darkest of lies can be replaced with the brightest of truths.
Is my life perfect? Am I always okay? No. Not 100%. Some days are much, much better than others. But that does not mean I cannot get beyond where I am now, overcome the battles I find myself in. I have already overcome so much, but even more than that, I know the One who has overcome the world.
Take heart. Let His love lead you through the night.
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Thursday, January 2, 2014

My "One Word" for 2014

A few years ago, I discovered that there’s this thing people do at the beginning of each year where they choose a word they’d like to apply to that year. I thought it sounded like a pretty cool idea, so I jumped on the wagon, though more with a phrase – make things happen.
I believe that was at the beginning of 2012 and I can’t remember what (if anything) I chose for 2013, but I found my word for 2014 today.
New.
Broad, simple, and easy to accomplish. I’ve got new resolutions for this year, such as working out more, eating healthier, and stop drinking pop. I’m looking forward to getting a new phone and slowly working towards a new wardrobe.
I’m looking forward to meeting new people, traveling to new places, and trying new things. Like doing laundry more than once a month/whenever I run out of underwear.
But I’m also working on being ready for a new kind of relationship. I’m sorting through issues from my past and trying to learn God’s take on self-worth and on healthy, Godly relationships. I have no idea when, or if, this new kind of relationship will happen (being single is totes magotes awesome right now), but this year is all about things new.
And with God, I’m ready to start new with Him, too. 2013 was not one I would put down in the “had a great relationship with God” section. I went to church every Sunday, spent time reaching out to students on and off campus, went on a trip to SDSU to do the same, saw friends give their lives to God, prayed, etc, etc. But I didn’t really read my Bible. In fact, I think that on my own, I’ve cracked my Bible maybe ten times in the past year. So it’s time for that to change.

I feel really good about my word for 2014. I’m excited to see how doors are opened and others are closed, how I grow closer to God and how He changes me more, and how amazing 2014 will be.

*This post is dedicated to Katie Wagner who, way back in 2011, inspired dozens by her brave soul and bright smile, and, in her death, showed thousands a new way to look at life.*
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